I want to start a conversation. I'm not writing this blog to read my own words or to tell you that what I think is 100% true and correct. I want to invite my community to share their thoughts. In the last few weeks I have spoken to many young women in my church community, and one topic has been pervasive in all those conversations: Christian dating. Specifically, what is going on with the men? There is an epidemic in the church and it needs to be addressed.
The enemy is attacking Christian families before the seeds are even planted. Marshall Segel of John Piper's Desiring God site says, "If you're single, Satan is after you... He loves to deceive and discourage single people in the church and derail our devotion and ministry."
As Christian women, we expect the Christian men to do the pursuing in relationships. In the Christian home, we expect the man to be the head of the household, the spiritual leader of the family. That starts with God-fearing men pursuing Godly women. In the church, young men are not pursuing women. It's a fact. Yes, I have witnessed, in the church community I'm involved in, a handful of relationships start and result in marriage, but a handful among a community of 300+ single young adults is staggering. God created men and women for relationship, to be partners. Our bodies were created to fit together. Unless God has called you to a life of celibacy, "the trajectory of all truly Christian romance ought to be marriage." (Marshall Segel, When the Not-Yet-MarriedMeet: Dating to Display Jesus)
In my community, I probably know at least 50 beautiful, single, Godly women and at least 50 handsome, successful, single Godly men. I, and many of the women I have spoken with, have a hard time believing that from this population of amazing, eligible singles who love Jesus, there aren't more people forming relationships. Then I go on eHarmony and ChristianMingle and find that at least 2 men I know in my community are on the sites and are 100% matches for me. Now I'm not saying that the 100% match "calculated" by an internet dating site means that we would be perfect together and we must start dating, but it's worth prayerful consideration.
Where are the God-fearing men of conviction, character, commitment, and discipline? Where are the wild at heart men that God has called to be husbands who lead their wives and children? What is stopping all of these great men from pursuing the multitude of solid, Godly women who would make amazing wives and mothers? In my conversations with so many women, and a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist from the Christian Counseling Center, who also talks with many women who bring up the same concerns, the main reason that has come up is that the enemy has strategically brainwashed Godly men to buy into society's wordly standards of beauty. In my conversations with my brothers in Christ, I've heard their laments that wordly temptation is unavoidable. Walking through the mall or watching TV allows for bombardment of images of Victoria's Secret models seductively posed in just their underwear, and skimpy underwear at that.
Pastor Rene Schlapfer of Twin Lakes Church in Santa Cruz gave a sermon on June 23 entitled "Wise About Sex" in which he says that our culture (1) undervalues sex, and (2) overvalues skin. The overvaluing of skin has lead to women having shattered self-esteem and men becoming addicted to pornography. He cites a video post from Slate magazine about the effects pornography has had on our society. I won't attempt to reiterate what he says, because he said it so well. Please see the whole sermon here. Another video I came across, which further emphasizes what we lose as a society when we overvalue skin, is this video clip of Dustin Hoffman talking about his role in the movie Tootsie. Upworthy curator Adam Mordecai says, "[Dustin Hoffman] makes a frightening discovery about women andbarely keeps it together explaining why." If you decide not to watch it, the most poignant statement I think he makes is this: he told his wife, "There are too many interesting women I have not had the experience to know in this life because I have been brainwashed." Brainwashed referring to the fact that he overlooked women because they did not fit into societal standards of beauty.
In Marshall Segel's Desiring God post entitled When the Not-Yet-Married Meet: Dating to Display Jesus, he says (emphasis mine),
"In a day when people are marrying later and later and more and more are resorting to online matchmaking, we probably need to be reminded that marriage really is less about compatibility than commitment."YES! "WE ARE LOOKING FOR MORE THAN AN ATTRACTIVE PERSON WHO 'LOVES JESUS.' ...GOD'S PERFECT PERSON FOR ME ISN'T ALL THAT PERFECT."
"There is a reason the Bible doesn’t have a book devoted to how to choose a spouse. It was not an oversight on the part of the God of all history, as if he couldn’t see into the 21st century. The qualifications are wonderfully clear and simple: 1) they must believe your God (2 Corinthians 6:14) and 2) they must be of the opposite sex (Genesis 2:23–24; Matthew 19:4–6; Ephesians 5:24–32).
"Now undeniably there will be more involved in your discernment while dating. Apart from questions of attraction and chemistry, which are not insignificant, the Bible articulates some roles for wives and husbands. Men ought to protect and provide for their wife (Ephesians 5:25–29). Women ought to help and submit to their man (Genesis 2:18; Ephesians 5:22–24). Fathers ought to lead their families in God’s word (Ephesians 6:4). Parents must love and raise their children in the faith (Deuteronomy 6:7). So admittedly we are looking for more than an attractive person who “loves Jesus.”
"That said, many of us need to be reminded that God’s perfect person for me isn’t all that perfect. Every person who marries is a sinner, so the search for a spouse isn’t a pursuit of perfection, but a mutually flawed pursuit of Jesus. It is a faith-filled attempt to become like him and make him known together. Regardless of the believer you marry, you will likely find out soon that you do not feel as “compatible” as you once did, but hopefully you will marvel more at God’s love for you in Jesus and the amazing privilege it is to live out that love together, especially in light of your differences."
Men, what are you praying for your future wife? Do you ask the Lord to provide you with THE woman he has prepared for you? or do you ask him to provide you a Godly woman as long as she's 5'6", blonde, thin, and athletic - or whatever you ideal of beauty is? It's a matter of the heart!
I am overweight. It's not because I'm lazy, or gross, or because I have absolutely no self control. A variety of physical, emotional, and spiritual factors have gotten me to where I am, and I know without a doubt the enemy has been involved. I'm definitely not happy being overweight. I'm not optimally healthy, but I have also bought into society's warped standards of beauty, and I think fat is disgusting and unattractive. So I would say it's not an unreasonable thought progression for me to be disgusted with the fat on my body; disgusted with my fat body. How heartbreaking is that?!?! My body sustains me. My body is a precious vessel for the Holy Spirit. My body was created by God in His image. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. (Psalm 139:14). I am beautiful. I have a fantastic sense of humor. I have a sharp intellect. I have a generous, compassionate heart. I LOVE Jesus. I want to share His love with the world. I've been told I'm a great catch, I have so much to offer, some man will be blessed to have me for his wife someday. So... ?
So I just reactivated my profiles on eHarmony and ChristianMingle in the last week. 80-90% of the men's profiles I've been "matched" with say their ideal body type for their match is washboard, slender, or athletic. I understand that... society has inundated us to the point that we believe that is what is attractive. But that intimidates me. Do I even bother "smiling" or "winking" at a guy since I already know I don't fit into his ideal body type? Am I not worth getting to know because I'm overweight? Do I have to lose weight before I can start dating? Am I "relegated" to only dating overweight men? What if God is preparing me for a man who is attracted to thinner women and what if God's plan is for that man to be by my side as I lose weight? Weight isn't forever, after all. Maybe God has allowed me to continue to be overweight so I can learn from this life experience and reach out to other women. Maybe God has allowed it so I can be in my current place, writing this blog post...
Those are just my thoughts. Weight is potentially not even an issue because most of the amazing, single, Godly women I know are slender and athletic in addition to being beautiful, intelligent, educated, kind, generous, and compassionate. An "outsider" recently met many people in our community of believers and expressed sincere shock that ALL of these women are single.
I have not yet read Wild at Heart, a staple for every Christian man's bookshelf, but it is my understanding that John Eldredge addresses the topic of men being strong men of God, being leaders in their households and in relationships with women. The "ProductDescription" on Amazon.com says that in the book, "Eldredge invites men to recover their masculine heart, defined in the image of a passionate God, and he invites women to discuss the secret of a man's soul and to delight in the strength and wildness men were created to offer." The Amazon.com Editorial Review of Wild at Heart states: "If Christian men are going to change from a pitiful, wimpy bunch of "really nice guys" to men who are made in the image of God, they must reexamine their preconceptions about who God is and recover their true "wild" hearts, writes bestselling author John Eldredge in Wild at Heart: Discovering a Life of Passion, Freedom, and Adventure. Eldredge throws down the gauntlet--men are bored; they fear risk, they refuse to pay attention to their deepest desires. He challenges Christian men to return to authentic masculinity without resorting to a "macho man" mentality. Men often seek validation in venues such as work, or in the conquest of women..."
A year or so ago I came up on a piece in the Wall Street Journal that I forwarded to my Grandma, telling her this explained why, at 30 years old, I'm still single. The point that hits home being, "Not so long ago, the average American man in his 20s had achieved most of the milestones of adulthood: a high-school diploma, financial independence, marriage and children. Today, most men in their 20s hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance. This "pre-adulthood" has much to recommend it, especially for the college-educated. But it's time to state what has become obvious to legions of frustrated young women: It doesn't bring out the best in men."
Relationships take work. I think we can all agree on that. Stop waiting on the perfect one who you expect to step into harmonious stride with and go on to live happily ever after. It's not going to happen, at least not to every single one of us.
Men, what are you praying for? Are you opening your heart to whomever God has prepared for you or are you pursuing the desires of your heart?
This is important. Our futures are at stake here. The enemy is bent on destroying marriages and families centered on Christ before they can even begin.
Finally, please join this conversation. Leave comments here or on the link on my facebook page.
Peace and love.
J
"Be weird. Be random. Be who you are. Because you never know who would love the person you hide." - Unknown
