Moving forward

One other crappy tidbit that most of you don't know is that the audit exam I passed 18 months ago "expires" on November 24. So since I failed this most recent exam, I lose the audit exam. Now I have to take TWO exams to get that license. One step forward, two steps back...

I checked and received my failing score at midnight on Saturday (as I had just gotten home from the Carrie Underwood concert and then a drink out for my friend's birthday). My score was 67. 75 is needed to pass. As you can imagine I was quite upset. I didn't get out of bed until 4:30pm on Sunday (with the exception of bathrooms breaks, during which I cried the entire time I was awake). Then when I did get out of bed, I cried for the next two hours until I made my dad invite me over for dinner because I told him I couldn't be alone. Taking a shower and getting out of the house really made things better. I had decided in my hysteria that I was over it; I can't do this anymore and I won't do this anymore. I've spent too much time on this already, and it's been SO costly on my mental health and overall happiness. Like I've said before, these exams have been a huge burden on my shoulders for three and a half years! and they've been stifling my creativity and ability to feel free.

But of course, after the hysteria, I'm still VERY upset but I've decided that I can't throw away those other two exams that I passed and have not yet expired. And God has a way of getting a message across at the right time... I'm in LA for the week for work because there is a client I've worked on for the past 3 years, this year is my fourth year, and they just can't let me off of it yet. This will be my final year on the client, I just need to transition it over to another senior. Since I'm in LA I was hoping to get together with some of my friends. Kirstin invited me to come to a Bible study with some other friends from church tonight. I went to the Bible study where we read Exodus 16 and shared about what makes us "grumble" in life. I shared that I grumble about giving my all and working my butt off and then failing. I forget exactly how the conversation progressed, but then our leader said, that grumbling is not being a good steward of our resources or talents (or brain). And I'm like, God? Are you talking to me?


In other news, I went to the gym at the hotel tonight and I was able to ride the recumbent bike for an entire 30 minutes! yeah! go me!

And in other news, my brother and his girlfriend got engaged on Saturday!

peace and love,
J

:(

I didn't pass the fucking exam.

Depressed

Last night I found the blog of Matt Logelin (www.mattlogelin.com) who lives in LA. His gorgeous wife, Liz, passed away in March, just 27 hours after giving birth to their little girl, Madeline, who was 7 weeks pre-mature and weighed 3 lbs 14 oz. He writes each night about what he and his daughter did that day. It's so sweet and beautiful, but at the same time horribly, horribly sad and painful. His posts made me cry multiple times last night and today. I couldn't access the site at work, so I read it after work. I've read all his entries up to today. And after I finished reading, I almost felt sick like throwing up. I was so sad and I feel like I know his wife now and I'm so so so terribly sad for him. There's that saying - "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I don't know if that's true. I've never loved (romantically, that is), and I feel like I'd rather keep it that way than fall in love and lose him. It's so oppressively devastating!

So I was at home, sad, but I had told my cousin Marcy I'd come over to her place tonight as she was having a "going away" BBQ of sorts. On Sunday she's leaving for Africa for the summer. I really did not feel like going. I took a nap for probably an hour and then headed over an hour after it started... fashionably late. Being there didn't cheer me up at all. I didn't know anyone else. Then a bunch of girls went into Marcy's room to do a Buddhist chant while a lady, who appeared to be a leader, rolled up the scroll they were chanting to (?). I was very uncomfortable because I'm Christian, I didn't know what they were saying, and I was sad that Marcy seemed to have fallen away from God and chosen to pursue Buddhism. It became overwhelming as they got louder and faster, and then once the scroll was rolled up, put into a box, and then placed in a cabinet the chanting slowed down before ceasing.

Marcy's Mom was there and she told me that Marcy recommended she try attending Buddhist meetings and get into chanting because she'd been having some relationship difficulties. She told me that she did try it, and everything is so much better for her now. I just kept nodding and listening. She said, "I thought at first this would be yet another of Marcy's crazy adventures... Like when she went to Ghana and became a born again Christian. Thankfully she got over that and is into this now. This is much healthier." I was so taken aback by that statement. Had she no idea of my faith and that it was such an integral part of my being, and has been for 26 years?! Her words brought me to my breaking point, and I started to cry. I told Marcy that I had to leave.

I hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Peace and love.
J

Blah

I got in a minor car accident on January 12. No injuries, but I was sore for a while from tensing up immediately before and during impact. The car is currently in the body shop with at least $2500 in damages. The accident wasn't a huge deal, but it brought me down pretty low. I haven't felt joyful or too creative since then. My mood probably isn't based entirely on the fender bender, but it started there.

Last week I worked at a client's office in Irvine. Because the Controller was busy generating W-2s and 1099s, she essentially tried to avoid me while I was there. It's hard being the "hated" auditor. I know it has nothing to do with me personally, and everything to do with my position as the disruptor of the client's daily duties, but it still gets to me. Additionally, I was staying in a hotel so I wouldn't have to spend at least 3 hours commuting each day. While the hotel, with in-room spa tubs, was fantastic, last week was terribly lonely. I'm used to being alone since I live on my own, but last week was just too much - compounded with lingering pain from the accident and the stress of trying to get things done at work.

Sorry to be "Debbie Downer" but I just wanted to post something...

Julie