Oh, hi.

I can't believe this is only my third post of 2010. This past year had major ups and downs, but we're ending on an "up" note and I know that 2011 will be a fabulous year. I know I said that at the beginning of 2010, but this time I'm hopeful with every fiber of my being.

Nothing tragic happened, but I felt like I was in a downward spiral and had no "life energy" to live my life with. (That's a term my therapist provided, and I think it fits perfectly.) Essentially, I was using all my life energy just to hold all my shit together and not become a crazy hermit. I'm still getting there, but things have taken a turn for the better and are certainly looking up... especially at work where, after a year, I finally feel "at home". After encouraging a friend to see a therapist, I decided to take my own advice. Talking to an objective, experienced professional helped tremendously. I highly recommend therapy and think everyone should do it. She helped me to step back from situations and see them from other perspectives.

In May I started attending a church with a large young adult group, and I have met many amazing, inspiring, loving people there. I've been participating in a small group Bible study, which led me to realize how far away I had moved from God. Again, nothing tragic or scandalous... just wandering aimlessly using all my energy to hold my shit together, which is terribly ironic because what brought me back to relationship with God was surrendering everything to Him. I had gotten lost in thinking I could do everything to make my life better and that in itself was making my life worse.

In September I finally threw up my hands in frustration and said, "Fine, God! If this is where you want me to be, I accept it. (Now please show me HOW to get through it!)" Then over the next few weeks I was overcome with peace and I have been, and still am, the happiest I've been in a few years. FINALLY. Praise God. My soul is healing and I'm becoming me again.

Try it. Surrender all of yourself, and reach out to your Creator. I promise you will never be the same. I pray that you will be overcome with peace and joy.

And what has moved me to write and share this now is a blog I read yesterday, from Kelly Rae Roberts. She is one of my favorite artists, and has such an open, beautiful soul. Yesterday she shared some of the birth story of her son in which she talks about coming to peace through being broken and then surrendering. Outside of the birthing part, it really resonated with me and got me reflecting more on this past year (in addition to the fact that tomorrow is the last day of the year). Today Kelly Rae shared this quote on facebook, which also spoke to me as I shed many a tear in 2010.

• "There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and unspeakable love." - Washington Irving

There is incredible healing in letting everything go and breaking down all the barriers we put up. Get raw and really feel every emotion.

This year has also brought the realization that I truly love serving people, so I will definitely be doing more of that in the coming year.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I pray that 2011 will bring you unspeakable love and perfect peace.

Peace and love.
J


P.S. I apologize to all my blog/internet friends for being away all year, but it's been an intensive, worthwhile journey and I can't wait to see what this next year has to offer. Hopefully I can write more and exercise my intellect rather than dumbing myself down by watching TV.